At the end of last summer, I bought a white sofa for $200 at a sample sale. At the time, I envisioned romantical lounge sessions with Dann and Declan on a lazy weekend afternoon. I thought it would add some "edge" to my more traditional livingroom.
What was I thinking?!?! A white sofa with a baby/toddler? I really was crazy-out-of-my-mind. Two months in, when Declan started to reach and grab at everything, he pulled a cup of coffee off the side table. It spilled down the side of the chaise. While I quickly took action to clean it...there is a lovely Navajo White ring left. It was at that point that I gave up. I didn't care what was done to that sofa. It was $200.
I not only gave up on having a beautiful white sofa and well kept home, I gave up on caring about anything. I know now that I had a big (and very well ignored) case of postpartum. I just tried to get through every day without crying. My goal was to just see Declan and make sure that I didn't cause any damage, physically or emotionally. I was plagued by a fear of causing so much trauma that he would have issues as he got older. At work I was internalizing too much. Every bit of advice or story from co-workers became my reality.
A few months ago, there seemed to be a break in the storm. I am now enjoying my home life. Maybe time was all I needed, maybe Declan's first birthday was the boiling point. I don't know and I am not going to try to figure out what triggered me to start feeling better. I'm just going to go with it. I have had a lot of clarity about the new direction my life is taking, and I have some new game plans. This makes me excited.
When the fear of staying the same outweighs the fear of the unknown, it is time to make a change.
Change, here I come with a happy and full heart.
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